These aren’t just dark times. I’m terrified! If the old pain continues to worsen I’m going to have two choices – suicide or medication. Medication would probably work except this country has decided to stop medicating pain patients. A small dose of methadone can relieve a tremendous amount of suffering but because it falls under the class “opiate”, pain patients are now caught up in DEA’s War on Drugs. So what happens? Doctors ignore their hippocratic oath and let us suffer, refusing to prescribe pain medication to pain patients. These patients will suffer until they can’t take it anymore so they commit suicide or go out on the streets or the Dark Web for medication. If things don’t improve soon, I’m going to have to start looking for a doctor willing to increase my dose of methadone to what the UCSF pain clinic recommended, 30mg/day. I may need to leave the country. Part of me really just wants to end it all. I’ve suffered more pain than any animal should be forced to suffer. At 65, my life is pretty much over anyway, especially if I have to live the rest of it in horrible pain, on top of all the aches, pains, restrictions and illness of old age. Is it really worth it? I could say I should stay alive for Barbara but I’m not sure I’m doing her any favors. I’m basically a burden. I can’t take care of myself. I’m probably just preventing her from living a good life.
I suppose I might be depressed. I don’t want to get out of bed. I could say that it hurts more when I get out of bed but I’m not sure that’s even true. I’m determined to start walking at least 1 mile a day. I’ve been living with Level 7-8 pain every day. I suppose the surgical pain is getting better. I’d say it’s about level 7 so while it’s not any worse than the old pain, it’s probably adding to it. I still have slim hope that as the surgical pain settles down, so will the back pain. It does kinda feel like they both involve the same nerves. What I need to do is turn my brain off because worry rarely helps anything. In fact it can be my worst enemy. I need to try and not worry about anything. I do have my 5 week follow-up meeting with Dr. Hansen next week. I need to do some research to prepare for that.
I’m going to try to start walking down to the village for lunch every day at 11pm. I’ll my alarm for 9am, do tea and toast in bed, watch TV until 11, then walk. If I can do that every day, it will be a good sign. I think I’ll go ahead and buy a Sprinter. I have to create a life outside of this bed and getting back to nature has always been good for me. I’m sure there are a lot of trout to be caught in California, even if I can’t windsurf, snowboard, eFoil, surf or all the other things I want to do. Hopefully I’ll even be able to do those things next year. Trying to think positive and not kick myself for getting this surgery. I need to suck it up and be brave. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Which reminds me, it’s time to sit down with Dr. Laurencin.